The Golden Promise Exposed as Prosperity Portal for Graduands - ASA News

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The Golden Promise Exposed as Prosperity Portal for Graduands

At last we have an explanation for the dubious 2014 decision to erect a great big golden chook wing in the courtyard between Quads A and B.

 graduation photo

It has been reported to the ASA that as university security staff did their usual 6.56am patrol of the campus on Wednesday morning and the first rays of dawn became visible, shafts of auroral light were observed shining through the Massey arches.

Gathered waiting at the gilded wing were a group of Massey students, ready to begin their graduation ritual.

Apparently, the courtyard suddenly became enveloped in luminous light, which when reflected and refracted by the lustrous flapper bathed the students in its golden embrace. Looping in figure eights through the avian elbow, the students chicken danced and strutted their stuff in the knowledge that these mean moves would bestow guaranteed prosperity, success, enlightenment, immortality and wisdom. 

Word has it that despite heroic attempts by security to quickly don their aviators and Ray-Ban’s, the glare was such that medical attention has still failed to restore sight to our courageous campus protectors.

Such ritualistic alchemy for achievement is a secret bestowed on just a lucky few. However, Julia Braybrook who was for a few years our very own intrepid ink slinger for Massive Magazine has spent the past two years mining the Massey archives to uncover the truth.

Braybrook reports that whilst the dawn dance on graduation day is a sure-fire way to guarantee a glittering future, there are other techniques for those graduates who cannot wake before 10am due to circadian rhythms being set by years of early morning lecture avoidance. 

A long hug of the wing, followed by the aforementioned chicken dance will do the trick. So, this version may not guarantee the same success currency as that bestowed on the dawn dancers, but it will still yield some pretty ore inspiring future prospects for those that aren’t too chicken to give it a go.

The Golden Promise therefore lives up to its name.  It’s not merely a collage of 2 Dollar Shop glitter and Plaster of Paris but rather the portal through which students will be able to wing their way to a bright and golden future.  

WARNING: Any attempts to chip off pieces of the great bird will result in what is commonly known as the Fools Gold Effect. Offenders will find themselves for the rest of their lives reciting large tracts (word for word) from their  worst essays when asked questions at job interviews, first dates and any future public speaking engagements.

For other sacred graduation sites around campus follow these links:

https://asa.ac.nz/clubs/clubs-news/entry/steamy-graduation

https://asa.ac.nz/clubs/clubs-news/entry/secret-magical-spot-ensures-success-for-graduands

 

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